Fear & Insecurity.

What needs to be removed from your life?

That’s the question I’m asking myself today. I’ve taken great pains and made great strides when it comes to moving in a more positive direction, but there’s always room for improvement. For me, I think fear and insecurity are the two biggest things I need to remove from my life.

Fear, of course, can be healthy. It keeps us protected. But like everything in life, there are two sides to fear. It can keep us silent. It can keep us isolated. It can keep us from pursuing our dreams.

In my own life, I have both a fear of failure AND a fear of success so I just end up frozen in the same position. If I go for what I want and fail, then I’ll be disappointed and people will judge me for being silly enough to think I deserved to chase my dreams. On the flip side, if I go after what I want and am successful, then it’s possible my life will change in ways I can’t imagine and for a creature of habit that idea can be terrifying.

I imagine this is partly why I stayed a barista for so long. I love the job, but while everyone around me was going to school or doing creative things I was content to stay in my bubble and never really move forward with anything else. I felt like moving forward was for other people and that I was somehow less deserving of the chance to do the things I really love.

I truly believe there is more to life than what we do to pay the bills. Chasing your passions, even if you never make money from it, fuels your life and stokes the fire in your heart. It brings like-minded people into your life you never would have met. I see people attending writing meet-ups or joining clubs or participating in activities and I’ve always viewed them with a little envy. In the past, I have had short bursts of participation but I always backed out before I got in too deep. Before I made those connections. I’ve kept most people at arm’s length my whole life because I’m afraid of what would happen if I let them in.

My aim, for this upcoming year of my life, is to change all that. To lean into the changes that are coming and not be afraid (or at least to be afraid and then do it anyway). To be confident in myself and know that wherever I choose to go, I’m there because I’m worthy and deserving. There is absolutely no reason on earth that I shouldn’t do the things that bring me joy and put myself out there. No one is more deserving than anyone else and in the end, every single one of us deserves to be happy. Even if I go for what I want and fall flat on my face, I know there are people around me who will pick me back up again, laugh it off with me, and support me as I try again.

So what do you think needs to be removed from your life?