Shave Your Head & Rend Your Garments.

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So I shaved my head.

It wasn’t really a “Thing”, it’s more like I just came home from work one evening and spontaneously decided to take a pair of clippers to my whole head. I stood in the bathroom with both my cats kinda staring at me and just went for it. When I was done, I admit I stared at myself for quite a while. I’d never seen the shape of my head so clearly before. I only had one brief moment of “Oh shit I can’t believe I did it,” but that was quickly replaced with the novelty of having no hair left. My head felt lighter.

I’m not going to wax poetic about Fucking The Patriarchy or Effing Your Beauty Standards, because I feel like that’s been done a thousand times over already. I’m not the first girl to shave her head or feel an epiphany coming on. I’m not the first person to get so overwhelmed and beaten down by society that they feel they have to do something extreme to escape their own skin. But I will say this:

LIFE IS TOO FUCKING SHORT NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO.

Run that marathon! Wear those shorts! Shave or don’t shave! Be the majestic weirdo you were always meant to be! Stop apologizing for who you are! Stop giving a fuck what others think of you! REVEL IN YOUR OWN REBELLION.

I’ve found something wild inside myself that I always kinda knew was there but was far too shy to acknowledge. I’ve found the fountain of youth buried under my own skin. I’m sick and tired of apologizing for being who and what I am. I’m tired of being embarrassed. I’m so over feeling like I don’t belong here because I’m a weirdo. I don’t have the same values or ideals as a lot of the people in my orbit and that’s ABSOLUTELY FUCKING OKAY. Because as soon as you throw out the plan and start living life the way you want to, OTHER weirdoes with the same values and ideals will find you. Those friends are the ones you can actually rely on to be there in joy and sorrow. The ones who can see when you’re getting too close to the brink of self-destruction and can pull you back. I would much rather have a few real friends than hundreds of acquaintances.

I’m a little obsessed with how short my life is going to be. Not because I actually know when the end is going to come, but because I don’t. None of us really do. So why waste time? Why bother doing what’s expected of you when you can do something unexpected instead? Make yourself and others happy? Be kind? Isn’t that the entire point of living? I’ve always wanted to shave my head, so I did. I’m working toward accomplishing the other things on my list, too, because I don’t know when my story is going to end, so I might as well make it a good one. That’s my mission, beginning this summer. Go farther, do more, create art even though I’m not good at it and let my freak flag fly.

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Sorting out my life by writing about it.

2 thoughts on “Shave Your Head & Rend Your Garments.

  1. Bravo, Jen. Life is indeed too short.

    Just how short was brought home to me the other day by a particularly brutal near-death experience. I was able to write it up shortly thereafter, so it’s ‘fresh’; if you’d like to read about it, here’s the link:

    https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2018/04/your-dying-spouse-465-near-death.html

    Still feeling pretty trashed. One question that has come up was, “When given the choice to go, why DIDN’T you?” The answer’s that the choice is made instinctively; once you have the seed of the thought, “Oh, crap, I need to get back in my body!” you’re committed to the path. You can’t change your mind.

    1. I’m immensely glad you’re still here, and that you had that instinctive thought to get back in your body. I read your post, and I can only imagine how impossible it would’ve been to hang on if you had glimpsed Heaven for even a second. We are all blessed that you’re still here and still fighting.

      The brevity of life has always been on my mind. My father’s death made that quite clear to me at a young age. We are living on borrowed time, as you know, but that should propel us to make good use of that time. And I think that’s what you’ve done and are continuing to do. I pray that you have more time left yet, because I believe you have more lives to touch. More words to write. A little more left in you.

      That said, I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain nowadays. I’m glad your wife is by your side and taking care of you and she’s in my prayers as well.

      Thank you for always supporting me. I hope you know how much that means to me and how much you’ve helped me to keep fighting my own fight.

Speak freely.

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