Fear & Insecurity.

What needs to be removed from your life?

That’s the question I’m asking myself today. I’ve taken great pains and made great strides when it comes to moving in a more positive direction, but there’s always room for improvement. For me, I think fear and insecurity are the two biggest things I need to remove from my life.

Fear, of course, can be healthy. It keeps us protected. But like everything in life, there are two sides to fear. It can keep us silent. It can keep us isolated. It can keep us from pursuing our dreams.

In my own life, I have both a fear of failure AND a fear of success so I just end up frozen in the same position. If I go for what I want and fail, then I’ll be disappointed and people will judge me for being silly enough to think I deserved to chase my dreams. On the flip side, if I go after what I want and am successful, then it’s possible my life will change in ways I can’t imagine and for a creature of habit that idea can be terrifying.

I imagine this is partly why I stayed a barista for so long. I love the job, but while everyone around me was going to school or doing creative things I was content to stay in my bubble and never really move forward with anything else. I felt like moving forward was for other people and that I was somehow less deserving of the chance to do the things I really love.

I truly believe there is more to life than what we do to pay the bills. Chasing your passions, even if you never make money from it, fuels your life and stokes the fire in your heart. It brings like-minded people into your life you never would have met. I see people attending writing meet-ups or joining clubs or participating in activities and I’ve always viewed them with a little envy. In the past, I have had short bursts of participation but I always backed out before I got in too deep. Before I made those connections. I’ve kept most people at arm’s length my whole life because I’m afraid of what would happen if I let them in.

My aim, for this upcoming year of my life, is to change all that. To lean into the changes that are coming and not be afraid (or at least to be afraid and then do it anyway). To be confident in myself and know that wherever I choose to go, I’m there because I’m worthy and deserving. There is absolutely no reason on earth that I shouldn’t do the things that bring me joy and put myself out there. No one is more deserving than anyone else and in the end, every single one of us deserves to be happy. Even if I go for what I want and fall flat on my face, I know there are people around me who will pick me back up again, laugh it off with me, and support me as I try again.

So what do you think needs to be removed from your life?

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Sorting out my life by writing about it.

6 thoughts on “Fear & Insecurity.

  1. I feel like I wrote this myself, except I did ship off to school for something economics promised would pay well. It’s so easy to let your dreams fall by the wayside and go for what’s easy, for what everyone else is foolhardily pursuing…

    Thanks so much for posting this. I relate so much to being stuck in park when everything inside you is basically screaming to do…something, anything to get moving forward in a direction you love, towards a destination that actually matters.

    Best of luck in 2018! Hopefully we can all take some initiative and follow your example.

    1. Life is expensive, and in order to have the things we want and need we all have to compromise. Unfortunately that all too often means choosing work that pays over work that fulfills. It can be so difficult to find a balance between the two.

      I hope 2018 brings you closer to finding the balance between paying the bills and going for what you really want in life. You deserve to live the life you want and not be held back! I hope I can manage to actually BE a good example going forward — I’m sure going to try.

  2. Well, I’d say that a couple of different kinds of cancer – plus metastases – need to be removed.

    And yes, I’m scared…well, terrified. Not of death, but of the pain tomorrow will bring. This evening I have been, literally, alternating between weeping and screaming. What lies beyond that? Scary, eh?

    But I would not want that fear to be lifted, because I’m blogging the journey, and I have to witness, for caregiver and patient, the whole process, sparing nothing. I can’t ask for a pass, and a detour around Hell. I have to go downtown, into the inferno.

    It’s the last duty I have left, and I aim to do it, knees shaking.

    (Sorry to be a bit late getting here; these have been really hard days.)

    1. I would agree, cancer needs to be removed from the entire world.

      I can’t imagine bearing the physical pain you’re carrying, after everything you’ve already been through. I’m so sorry that you’re suffering. You’re so damn brave to be walking toward this inferno and documenting everything along the way. I am amazed by your willpower and tenacity.

      Don’t worry about being late replying to posts, I’m just honored that you do and relieved that you’re still able. I’m praying for you, my friend, and I thank God for every day you still walk this earth.

      1. Jen, thank you so much…and thank you for YOUR courage. You’re an inspiration, my hero, and your daily victory is so very, very vital to my heart.

        I’m writing this on the hardest of all mornings, after the hardest of all nights, but there is a song playing in my head, Cat Stevens singing “Morning has broken”.

        If you have a minute, will you listen to it with me?

      2. That’s a beautiful song and I’m glad to share it with you. Even rough mornings that follow rough nights are made slightly better when you have a song in your head.

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